Title: Love is a strange thing
Pairing: Akanishi Jin/ Nishikido Ryo
Genre: romance, drama
Disclaimer: I don’t own the boys, but the story is mine. :D
Note: English is not my native language, so I'm sorry for mistakes
Summary: I am stupid I know it...I told Ryo that he is only a friend for me...and now? The chance is gone ....
Love is a strange thing. That’s what I always thought – and still think. You can’t decide when you are going to meet the ONE person in your life, but you can decide if you take the chance or leave it – like I did, and let me tell you, I regret it.
I am sitting on the park bench right now, staring into nothing. My life became worthless since the day I let him go. It was some days ago when everything reached its climax. Ryo and I were standing in the living room, discussing loudly. We were friends since years, but somehow it broke between us. Back then I couldn’t say why, but on this day I recognized it: I fell in love with my best friend. I didn’t want him to be my friend, I wanted him to be my boyfriend.
Pride – damn pride. Sometimes it’s good to be like this, but not in love cases. I didn’t want to admit my feelings, and no, I don’t know why, because I had my chance. It was the one chance I was talking about.
We stood there and looked at each other, trying to solve the fight we had right here. I remember that Ryo’s following words hit me, and I really didn’t know what to answer. “Do you love me Jin? Say one word and I will come to you, but I will only say it once, so take the chance now or leave it.” I left it….
I knew Ryo was in a relationship at this time, and somehow I thought he was happy in it, but this sentence showed me something different, but I was too shocked and too confused in this moment and just answered: “It’s okay, Ryo…you are with him, and I am fine with it. We are best friends, aren’t we?” God, I could run against the wall for hours to hit myself because of this answer. Best friends…he was never only a best friend for me. I always wanted to protect him, I was jealous when he talked with others in clubs, I was restless when he wasn’t sitting next to me in cinema, and in the end I also was jealous when he sat next to our friends.
I had to do something, but what? He said it was a one-time chance, and he wouldn’t come again, so I missed it. I sit here in the park, waiting for the last sunlight disappearing behind the hill and thinking about everything again and again. I see the slender figure walking up the street and instinctively I think of Ryo, but of course it isn’t him. Why should he come here?
Since days we didn’t talk to each other. I just couldn’t take the phone, calling him. Hearing his voice would break my heart. I know it’s my fault, and I know I am not in the position to blame someone else than me.
How, how, how, what, what, what….question over question is running through my head till it starts aching.
I see the stars appearing above me, and I know it’s time to go home, but my feet aren’t moving. I breath in deeply before I stand up, putting the hands into my pockets and start walking down the street. It isn’t the way to my apartment, I exactly know where this way is leading, but I can’t turn around. It’s like something is carrying me there, someone is guiding me.
I don’t want to suffer anymore, I want it to stop, and I know what I want – him. No matter what and how, this time I have to do it properly. And I have to find the right words.
I feel my hands get wet when I stand in front of his door. The doorbell in front of me was close, but also far away. I tremble when I press the button, and my body shivers when I wait for Ryo to open the door.
For my surprise his boyfriend opens the door – what I fool I am, I forgot that they were living together. What did I believe? That I go there and tell Ryo what I feel and he’d come with me immediately? FOOL….
I cough one time before I ask about Ryo. The other one’s voice resounds in my ear and a firework in my body overwhelmed me. “Sorry, we broke up last week. I thought you know about it, because yes…it’s you after all.” It’s me? What is me?
I apologize and walk out of the building some moments later. Where shall I search for him? It’s night, and maybe he is with Pi or Yuu, or he is somewhere totally different, where I will never find him. Why didn’t he tell me that he left the other one? I thought he was happy in his relationship. Okay, after he told me that he’d come to me, I should have guessed that something is off, but to err is human, and I am only a human being, am I? Ryo would say: no, you aren’t … you are a fatass. I have to smile about this. It was so typical Ryo, so innocent and cute, and even though he said something mean, you know it wasn’t meant to hurt you.
I walk around the area and try to think properly about various possibilities were he could be. Ryo – a place – where? No matter how hard I try to figure something out, there was no thought hitting me, till I suddenly remember about a talk I had with him some time ago.
Ryo told me about a small hotel he knew, not far away from Osaka. It is a good place for him to relax and to calm down a little bit. He often used it to work on his songs, because there he was alone, and no one was disturbing him. He also could think about everything bothering him there, and he could be him, because no one asked him about his life and about being a celebrity.
I fumble in the pocket of my coat and start to run to my car. I really need to drive there now, it’s the only place I know, and somehow I feel that this is the key. It must be the right place. I feel my hands get wet when I drive onto the hotel’s parking place. I breathe in deeply, try to calm down a bit.
Somehow I have to smile about my own reaction, because normally I wasn’t the nervous type at all, but actually no one was and is more important than Ryo to me. I hate it to be so weak, but it’s all Ryo’s fault….I've never been like this before.
I step outside and walk around the area till I find the entrance. It’s really a nice and calm place here. I think I could fall for it. Maybe I should stay here with Ryo for some days?! But what am I thinking? After pushing the other one away, I think he won’t agree to stay with me. Have I mentioned what a fool I’ve been?
I see the lady at the reception smiling at me. I ask about a guest named Nishikido and see her nodding at me. He is here, but she isn’t allowed to give me the room number, because maybe the guest doesn’t want to see anyone. It’s his private sphere and she can’t say it. God, and now?! This hotel has 7 floors, how shall I find him?
I thank her and walk outside again. For the 100th time on this day I try to call Ryo, but of course he ignores it. I shake my head slightly, dialing his number again. I hear it….the phone…the sound comes from somewhere around here. It must be Ryo’s phone. I know this tone. It’s my song, it’s eternal. I don’t break the call and just follow the tone. I really hope Ryo isn’t going to hang up the call.
The tone gets louder, I can hear it clearly now. I look around. I am standing on an alley. Behind a tree I see two benches standing, some bushes around it. Even though I only see a silhouette, I immediately know it’s Ryo. My heart beats fast, I feel my breathe speeding up and the knot in my throat grows bigger.
I see him staring at the phone, a sad smile around his lips. Is he happy? I step closer till I can see his eyes – no he isn’t. I know this boy better than I maybe know me, and this eyes tell me the story of someone who is broken, love broken.
I cough shortly, making Ryo wince in utter surprise. He turns around to face me. I can see this astonished sparkle in his eyes. For one second the sadness is gone, but it doesn’t hold on long. The smile grows bigger, but his eyes tell me what he really feels in this moment. He was glad to see me, but he doesn’t want to see me, because he suffers. He thinks he is the only one with this special feeling in him.
I have to tell him…
…that he is wrong.
…that I love him.
…that he is my only one.
I step closer without saying a word. Honestly I didn’t think of any speech. I have no idea what to say, and how to confess. Ryo’s eyes are resting on me, I can feel it, he observes me, he waits till I start talking. I rub my hands on my jeans, trying to get some time. I need to think about what to say, but maybe the best would be to tell him the truth.
“I don’t know where to start.” I hear myself saying. What a stupid sentence?! Is there nothing better I could say in this moment?
I can see Ryo staring at me, waiting for some more details. God, the knot in my throat gets unbearable. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, trying to calm down. It’s me, Jin….why the hell am I so nervous? I was never like this? Ryo is making me insane here. “I…why are you here, Ryo?” God, that isn’t what I wanted to say, but my mouth is quicker than my brain.
“I left him.” Ryo only says, rubbing his hands together. I can see his nervousness, his fear of this talk. I can see that he hid the fact why he really left him. He broke up because of someone else, because of me. And I didn’t recognize it back then. Of course he wouldn’t tell me again about his feelings, because he said it back then: ”Say one word and I will come to you, but I will only say it once, so take the chance now or leave it.”
“You know, if I could turn back time, I would change one single situation.” I start, maybe this was the right start now. Ryo looks at me, his eyes are sparkling and I can see a small smile curling around his lips.
“Which one?” Ryo’s husky voice let shivers running down my spine. I want to hear this voice every single second a day. And I want this eyes looking at me with the fire they expressed right now.
“Can you remember the day when you told me that you’d stay at my side? I should only say one word and you’d come?” I see him nodding at me. The smile disappears. Did I say something wrong? Or maybe he doesn’t fall for me? Maybe it was a mistake I made, maybe he likes someone else. My pulse speeds up – my fear grows bigger.
“Sure I remember.” Ryo only says.
What shall I answer to this? My mind goes blank. I have no words crossing my mind. I see Ryo is still looking at me. His eyes are honest, and I can see the love he has in there. At least my doubt that his love isn’t for me is gone now, because his eyes tells me what he feels for me, but I don’t know what to answer.
I open my mouth, but close it immediately. No words – no words – blank – blank….I start to smile, because I never thought that I will lose my brain because of a boy. The cool-headed Jin is gone here, and I think also Ryo notices that I am not myself right now. I only have one chance now, and it’s a now or never situation.
I turn around a bit and stroke Ryo’s cheek softly. God, his skin feels so warm and soft. I can touch it forever, but I have to get rid of these thoughts in this moment. For my surprise Ryo let me do. He doesn’t push away my hand nor does he say something about my touches. He just looks at me.
I breathe in for a last time before I bent down and lay my lips on his. I wait a moment, because I want to give Ryo the time to react. Nothing happens – he doesn’t move a single millimeter. I wrap my arms around his waist pulling him onto my lap. He let it happen.
I start to kiss him for real now. I bite softly on his lower lip, trying to get the permission for a more heated kiss. I can feel him leaning into it, his hands are around my neck, pulling me closer.
That’s it – I think. Maybe it wasn’t too late, and there starts our time now. After we dissolved from the kiss I smile at him, my hands still close around his waist to feel his warmth next to me. “You weren’t that stubborn…you didn’t push me away. Even though I was an idiot and spoke about friendship back then…” I say and lean my forehead against Ryo’s.
“I wanted to be, but I can’t when it’s about you.” Ryo answers.
I know that’s the start of something bigger and deeper I ever experienced before. And let me tell you: sometimes you get a second chance, even though you think you lost it, and you didn’t deserve it.